As a race, us humans are pretty much terrible in general. We all freely admit it these days, but it’s nice to know we’re not the first generation of total pricks.
In fact some of our historical dickhead-ery (just made that term up) is pretty darn inventive. I’ve only picked a few here, but there’s loads that are ridiculously similar. Not unlike Walking Dead seasons.
I’m not allowed to show you the polaroids of my actual victims that I’ve tried these on, as I’m waiting for all the ‘Heat’ to die down. So you’ll have to make do with artists’ impressions.
THE BRAZEN BULL
The Blurb:
The brazen bull was a contraption of torture and execution used by the Ancient Greeks and Romans to punish their enemies. This life-sized bull-shaped statue of brass or bronze was hollow so that victims could be locked inside its stomach and then roasted alive. Flute-like pipes would carry the victim’s screams through the bull’s nostrils, creating lowing animalistic music while the smoke of the scorched flesh billowed out as puffs of incense.
Imagine being boiled in this bad boy bull. Also, imagine being boiled inside there without any seasoning. It’s like a white middle class restaurant.
Recommended Use: Ronald McDonald, Lots of Borrowers (nuggets)
THE JUDAS CRADLE
The Blurb:
The Judas Chair was also known as the Judas Cradle or the ‘guided chair’. An Italian invention purportedly used by the Spanish Inquisition that was particularly cruel. The Judas Chair was a wooden or metal pyramid-shaped ‘seat’ on which the victim was placed on top. Using ropes, the victim would be lowered into the device, which was placed into the victim’s anus, vagina or scrotum, stretching them grotesquely as intense pressure was applied to their orifices, resulting in permanent damage. Weights would also be added to facilitate the effect, often resulting in death by impalement. Other times, oil was put on the device, which made it more slippery and impossible to avoid if trying to twist and turn.
Two different styles here, as I like to show ‘Scope’. Just kidding, found em on the same page. As these things were apparently never ever cleaned, it’s been mentioned that you could die from blood poisoning or infection. Fuck off, I’d be more concerned about being split like a cheap cheese string.
Recommended Use: People that talk in the cinema. Women that stand and talk in shop doorways. Fuckers. All of em.
THE CHOKE PEAR
The Blurb
The pear-shaped instrument was inserted into one of the victim’s orifices: the vagina for women, the anus for homosexuals and the mouth for liars and blasphemers. The instrument (usually made of hard metal, possibly iron) consisted of four leaves that slowly separated from the rest as the torturer turned the screw at the top.
Turning the key opened the leaves, causing massive internal damage.
Not gonna lie, kinda want one. Half Love Honey, half Hostel. Seriously though, this may not always cause death, but think of the damage. Like being fisted by Hellboy. I’d be safe from the vagina and asshole destruction, but I’d have a mouth like punched trifle.
Recommended For: TV Evangelists, People that mow the lawn early Sunday. Jon Bon Jovi
THE IRON COFFIN OF LISSA
The Blurb
The prisoner was placed in an iron coffin and over the course of several days, they were forced to endure the agony of watching the lid slowly shut. Inching towards them almost too slowly to see, eventually, they would feel the cold iron touch their nose. Then it was more suspense coupled with great physical pain as it slowly crushed them to death.
This scares the sludge out of me. Imagine watching that lid intently, knowing that it’s coming to end you. Not unlike cholesterol, or having to sit through a pre school Nativity play. Actually any Nativity play should be on this list. You already know how it ends. Might wanna spice it up with some Werewolves, Ninjas and big ass donkey dick barn beastiality.
Recommended Use: Cold callers, people that repeat the same fucking joke weekly, Hallmark Movies writers.
THE IRON MAIDEN
The Blurb:
The positioning of the spikes inside the Iron Maiden was crucial to the torture. The spikes were so placed as to cause damage to various bodily organs, although never as much damage as to cause instant death. For instance, two spikes were placed specifically to penetrate the eyes. Similarly, other spikes were placed for the chest, genitals, and other organs of the body.
You’re expecting an Iron Maiden music joke aren’t you. Well tough (although I’ve been humming Run To The Hills throughout typing this). Possibly the best known on this list. It’s been rumoured that the Iron Maiden was never actually used and has been merely fabricated for intimidation. Like Gary Glitter. Eg: “Eat all your greens and don’t swear…or Gary UpTheShitter will come for you”.
I’m no longer allowed to do talks in schools. I think it was the glove puppets.
Recommended Use: The drummer from Hanson. People that over use the word ‘literally’.
THE BLOOD EAGLE
The Blurb:
In popular lore, few images are as synonymous with Viking brutality as the “blood eagle,” a practice that allegedly found torturers separating the victim’s ribs from their spine, pulling their bones and skin outward to form a set of “wings,” and removing their lungs from their chest cavity.
If there’s not a band called Blood Eagle, then there should be. “Fackin metul mate” 🤘. There’s been times in the height of summer where my lungs have dreamt about the outside life, yet the idea of having my rib cage cracked open like a fat girl at a buffet, puts me off.
Recommended Use: People that say ‘Axe’ instead of ‘Ask’. Rapey Dolphins (see earlier article). Steve, yeah you Steve, you fucking fuck face.
KEELHAULING
The Blurb:
Keelhauling is a form of punishment and/or execution meted out to sailors at sea. The sailor was tied to a line looped beneath the vessel, thrown overboard on one side of the ship, and dragged under the ship’s keel, either from one side of the ship to the other, or the length of the ship (from bow to stern).
Keelhauling would result either in severe physical injuries or more often, death. The hull of the ship was often covered in barnacles and other marine growth, therefore keelhauling would often result in serious lacerations, which could result in infection, scarring or death. The victim could also drown as a result of the amount of time spent under water.
Arrrrr shiver me fucking timbers or some bollocks. I mean, Keelhauling is terrible and all, but, do you really need being dunked into the ocean any worse? Drowning, Sharks, jellyfish with bad attitudes etc. It’s a fear of mine, so I avoid the sea in general. I have to be forced to get in the bath at spears length. Sharks can’t get through a shower head right?
Recommended Use: People that eat with their mouth open. Pauly Shore (woahhh pirate buddddie). Baby Jesus
SCAPHISM
The Blurb:
This ancient execution method was also known as “the boats,” as victims were placed in two hollowed-out logs or boats before their suffering even began.
With their heads and limbs sticking out and their bodies trapped inside, the victim was force-fed milk and honey. Their uncontrollable diarrhea filled the boats as executioners poured honey over the victim’s face — and vermin arrived to not only feast upon the prisoners, but enter their bodies to fatally eat them from the inside out.
Nightmare fuel. Ingenious in its depravity. Just reading it made my arse twitch. Apparently the lucky winner could be kept alive for days, by dragging them back to shore and giving them a little food and water.
- “Alright Jim?”
- “Yeah, can’t complain, how about you?”
- “I’d not be too bad if it wasn’t for this family of maggots living in my penis. Putting me off chillaxing”
- “Ahh shouldn’t be long now, you can see your runny shit seeping through the gaps. That should draw a few vicious little buggers”
- “Well ya never know, tomorrow’s another day ey?”
I can’t think of much worse than slow death by becoming an insect incubator. I used to have a co worker that smelt like it. That was bad enough.
“Sometimes my shit smells like sick”
Yeah, cheers for that Richard.
Recommended Use: Richard. All of Daytime TV.
zombiesplaygrounds.com 
Marvelous as always
LikeLike
Ouch!
LikeLike