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Anyone that knows me personally, knows that I have no love for the great open seas. I’m no born sailor. I mean, I’ve watched Sinbad a couple times, but I’ve also seen Titanic. That didn’t have a conclusion to my preference of a cruise. Bit too ‘drowny’ for me. You know where you can’t drown? Dry land. People tell me that I’m more likely to be in a car crash than a sinking ship. My point is, that if you rear end a Vauxhall Corsa, you don’t end up fist bumping seahorses.

My main problem with the Big Blue is that, well, it’s basically outer space on Earth in it. It’s mainly unmapped and what we DO know is mostly guess work at best. I’m no adventurer. If you told me to bob my bollocks in a box that may or may not have a deadly creature inside, I would tell you graciously to go and get bum fisted. Therefore, why would I get into the sea?

In respect of my feelings on this matter I have compiled a list that may or may not (it should) influence you to be a land lubber forever

Stargazer Fish

Look at it.

Also known as the Monkfish, this nightmare weaving beast embeds itself in sand, waits, and ambushes passing prey. Due to the 51 different variants in the species, some even have their own super powers. One branch of the family tree (seaweed?) has a lure it dances out of it’s minging mouth to allure it’s supper. Not unlike tits out barhopping desperate single Cougars in spanx.

Also, the Stargazer is also venomous. Look at that face, of course it is. It has poisonous spines above its pectoral fins, and a filthy attitude.

Oh and a couple breeds of the species can give out electric shocks. Just what we needed, a naughty Iron Man fish.

On the upside some cultures catch and eat these as a delicacy. Ha! Fuck you Monkfish

Hell No Rating: 👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼

Bobbit Worm

First off we’re gonna have to talk about that it’s named after a chopped off ding dong. Loretta Bobbit removed her husband’s flesh sceptre as he slept. I can’t remember why and I couldn’t be arsed to Google it, but anyway, she’s a bad un. So yeah, this totally not freaky at all looking thing is named after a severed unit. That should be enough to worry you, but there’s more.

Like the mother-in-law faced Monkfish, these wee bastards bury in the sand and await passing prey. Their antennae is the only part of them visible until it senses a disturbance. Then this sea monster strikes at ridiculous speed. It’s jaws snap shut with enough strength to sever fish in half. So, nothing to worry about then huh? Oh, and the largest one found so far is just under 10 feet long.

10 feet.

Hell No Rating: 👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼

Deep Sea Dragon Fish

Good looking fella huh.

At the dark dark depths (up to 5000 metres) , where there is literally no light, no plant life and the water is deep enough to be permanently ‘still’, this thing lurks. How does it hunt in the pitch black? It doesn’t need to. It has photophores (light producing organs) to lure prey towards it. Reminiscent of the lucky lucky men in holiday resorts with light up swords and spinny things that young children throw an exorcist in their pushchairs for, spending £2 of your hard earned cash on a plastic piece of shit that lasts two minutes. Then they cry. Oh God, they cry

Back to this fish bastard. I forgot to mention it also has ANOTHER light in its body. A red light that other creatures of that depth can not see. It uses this to scan for prey before popping ‘the big light’ on to make itself look inviting. Luckily they only grow up to around 25cm. Also lucky that I don’t go swimming around 5000 metres down.

Hell No Rating: 👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼

Stonefish

Now although this specimen isn’t going to win any Miss Ocean competitions, you wouldn’t think it’s that bad right? The Stonefish has an unbelievably potent venom. So powerful in fact, that without treatment, it’s fatal to humans. Little shit.

The venom is injected via large lacerating spines upon its back. To make it worse, the wee bugger is camouflaged into the sand, making it a game of chance. Like a deathly Where’s Wally (Waldo for my American friends).

If you’re unlucky enough to get prodded.you can expect:

Immediate, excruciating, and intense pain that can radiate up the entire limb, often accompanied by rapid swelling, bleeding, and potential tissue damage. Other symptoms include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, breathing difficulties, muscle spasms, convulsions, paralysis, and, in severe cases, shock or cardiac arrest. Fun times.

This is why I go paddling in wellingtons, and a Panzer Tank.

Hell No Rating: 👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼

Goblin Shark

A literal living fossil. Like David Attenborough (this gag isn’t going to age well, and I already feel bad. Love you David). It’s an estimated family lineage around 125 million years old. Yet rarely seen as they generally hang around at depths humans don’t dwell in. The ‘nose’ is covered in minute electric fields. When triggered the mouth shoots outwards to snatch its prey. I can’t lie, it reminds me of a video of a porn star’s prolapsed arse I saw. Like a punched trifle.

Not especially dangerous to humans, but they have been known to grow up to around 10 feet, which would still be a bit shit-your-pants if you bumped into one in Tesco.

Hell No Rating: 👎🏼👎🏼

Irukandjis

You know fair well this is gonna be terror-inducing as it looks harmless. These things are related to the Box Jellyfish. Now you SHOULD know that name. Like big Dave from The Elephant and Castle, you don’t fuck with Box Jellyfish.

Tim Flannery describes the syndrome in The New York Review of Books:

It sets in twenty to thirty minutes after a sting so minor it leaves no mark, and is often not even felt. Pain is initially focused in the lower back. Soon the entire lumbar region is gripped by debilitating cramps and pounding pain—as if someone is taking a baseball bat to your kidneys. Then comes the nausea and vomiting, which continues every minute or so for around twelve hours. Shooting spasms grip the arms and legs, blood pressure escalates, breathing becomes difficult, and the skin begins to creep, as if worms are burrowing through it. Victims are often gripped with a sense of “impending doom” and in their despair beg their doctors to put them out of their misery.

Yet look at the size of it. You’d never see that. I thought I only had to work about big stuff FFS.

Hell No Rating: 👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼

There’s still so many more I could add to this list, but I just can’t bring myself to look at them anymore. Like when your child says they prefer the new Star Wars sequels.

Get out.