We’ve all been there. Apart from attractive people. Stupid good looking people.

One moment you’re laughing and joking, next thing you know, you’re crying in the shower, holding your genitals, mouthing the words to Everybody Hurts. Don’t rub it in R.E.M. Shiny Happy Bastards

You’re at a crossroads. A juxtaposition of yourself if you will This is where you choose which kind of ‘dumpee’ you’re gonna be.

Will you be:

THE WEEPER

Your eyes, they flow. They flow like an MP’s expenditure account. You eat, you cry, you sleep, you sleep-cry. You even have the odd cry wank (which is second only to the infamous ‘Blood Wank’). You remember vaguely a time before you lived as a snot drenched mess. It was a time of dreams. Dreams and clear vision. dreams, clear vision and t-shirts that didn’t look like you dribble like a toddler. Favourite colour: Blue

THE HUSK

There was a time where you had the capacity to communicate. A time where you had thoughts and feelings. Now you are but a pedlo that has drifted out and no one can be arsed to fetch. The reflection of a vampire. The week that DFS doesn’t have a sale on. Cheers up Goth. Favourite colour: Grey

THE PSYCHO

The most confrontational. How dare they leave you. The gall! You do NOT like the cut of their jib! So now…they must pay. No social media is safe from slander, no supermarket is safe from harassment, no phone number is safe from bombardment. No letterbox is safe from fireworks attached to bags of poo. They are prey now. Them and whoever they’re with. Rarr tiger. Favourite colour: Red

THE MASK

Possibly the most destructive. It never happened. Continue as if you momentarily had some dog shit on your crocs, oh…its just mud. Never really admitting the pain they’re in. Continues until they become the evolved version of The Husk…The Uber Husk! *Thunder crashes*. Favourite colour: Whatever someone else wants it to be.

SOLUTION

Disclaimer: This isn’t really a solution I’m just taking the piss.

START A NEW HOBBY

If you have problems finding a new hobby… don’t you worry cocka, I got ya covered. Check out these bad boys.

Rubber Duck Fighting

Funeral Clown

Pretend Lollipop Person

Human Table

Tadpole Inspector (seasonal work only)

Burp Instructer

First Aid Enforcer

Asian Charles Bronson.

Subbuteo Referee

Back Door Hijinks Curator

Centaur Shepard

Mexican Wave Starter

Flacidity Detector

An Attractive Wicker Basket

Thimble Enthusiast

A Cold Thursday Morning In Bristol

Jade Goody 2.0

Flea Combat Trainer

A Russian Weather Balloon

A Corpse

Etc….

You get the jist. Think outside the box. Like wayyyyy outside the box. Over the road from the box, watching it through the kitchen blinds whilst sipping tea and mumbling how it should go play up it’s own end

If you do try anything on this list and it helps, I’m happy to be of assistance.

But as Uncle Pablo always says:

“Don’t forget you’re an utter piece of worthless shit and they’ve moved on to someone better than you in every way”