I’m not a real doctor btw. Just as a disclaimer. Yet I am legally a Reverend. So I can marry a couple, or possibly bury your Nan. I need to check on that one though

So, if you’re like this, but….

…you want to be more like this, well, I’m here to assist you. I like to look after my friends. We’re friends now right? Let’s go on holiday together and game share on Xbox.

Or you might just be odd.

Online Dating

With the gazillions (that’s a real number right?) of people online dating these days, you’re gonna have to make yourself stand out enough to be catfished by a potential serial killer. Here’s some I’ve prepared for you to pass off as your own:

You: Hi! I see by your profile you like music. Do you like The Beatles hit ‘Hey Jude’? I think it always seems to breathe life into social occasions, how about you?

Them: **yes or no yadda yadda**

You: Fancy coming to my Aunt Jude’s funeral with me? There’ll be piss finger sandwiches at the wake in the pub

See, it’s easy. Another tactic is to play on feelings of nostalgia. I’ll show you.

You: I see that you’re the same age as me, did you ever watch Rugrats?

Them: I loved Rugrats! **This is the only acceptable answer, otherwise they are not suitable**

You: Remember that episode when Chucky was talking about losing his mom? I think we all do right? For a kids cartoon it was really well played. Have you ever been analy fisted?

Smooth delivery is key.

Obviously your profile picture is also going to be key. Here’s some examples of BAD profile pictures:

Instead think of something your potential mate, spouse or prey may find interesting:

Meeting In Person

Let’s take the leap and pretend you actually land a date, you sad fuck. So you’ve schemed and lied that you’re a good person enough that they’re meeting you.

Firstly, breathe. Or you’ll die.

Secondly make sure you immediately use a comment that makes them feel good about their appearance. If you need help, try one of these examples:

“You don’t look as fat as on your pictures, you really do scrub up half decent don’t you”

“I never thought I’d find someone of your race/creed/amputee status not hideous, but here we are and I don’t mind being seen with you”.

“I thought you’d smell worse than you do. You had eggs?”

Peacocking

So, you’re too thick to use online dating and want to get out there and meet someone socially, like some sort of fucking weirdo. You spot someone in a busy (ha, these days!) Pub/Club. How to approach? Luckily I’m here to help get their attention.

Bring live rock hopper penguins. Everyone loves penguins. They’re a real talking point.

Get very very close to them and whisper “There’s about to be a bomb threat, You’re the only person I’m warning. Take the back exit”. Wait by the back exit. Hope.

Pull out one of your own teeth whilst maintaining eye contact.

Pull out a sock puppet and loudly tell it how much you find the target attractive, whilst standing directly next to them. Describe the target in intricate detail.