Doginawaistcoat.com

After the success (2 people read it) of part 1, I’m breaking out the sequel.

According to sequel rules, this one should be bigger, have more shocks and make the original seem bare bones inferior.

Luckily I conform to no such rules. Fuck you rules, you’re not my Mom. You’re not even my Aunt Jean. You know, the one that pulls bobbles off her cardigan and whispers to them. Lovely woman in her youth apparently. Had a vagina like a Venus fly trap. Ha, ‘Penis’ fly trap.

I dunno how I got here. Oh yeah…

Johnny Depp

I know someone that’s met Johnny Depp, and they say he’s a lovely fella, but, it’s little known that the role of Johnny Depp in his real life was nearly played by another sperm. That sperm? James Earl Jones.

Netflix is interested in the concept.

10 Cloverfield Lane

The surprisingly claustrophobic vibe of the Cloverfield sequel was enhanced for the actors, by being filmed inside a live Blue Whale. When asked how the concept influenced his role, former ‘Roseanne’ actor, John Goodman merely stated:

What the fuck are you talking about? Why do you have a knife? Listen…Please, just take what you want. Don’t hurt the children

Richard Gere

Was once arrested for scrawling ‘Gere waz Here’ in his own shit inside various McDonald’s in the late 90s.

BONUS GERE DOG LOOKALIKES

Anaconda

Actual fact. I rented the VHS of this, and at this point there were descriptions on the spine from the Video Store. Anaconda stated:

Horror Monster Snake

I like to tell people this was my nickname in school. Instead of ‘Fatty’.

Vin Diesel

Born of Parents Red and Esso, Vin has gone on to become a big name on the Hollywood circuit. Obviously this wasn’t always the case.

Before break through hits like Pitch Black, VD (as I affectionately call him) spent 3 years as a fox. Living on a diet of mainly badgers and smaller mammals in the English countryside, it was an idyllic lifestyle that obviously just wasn’t for him in the long run. Not when there were fucking terrible movies to make.

101 Dalmatians

There actually wasn’t 101. I counted them. Lying Disney bastards

Leonardo DiCaprio

Leonardo DiCaprio nearly lost his big break in Titanic due to a bout of ringworm. The actor recalls that in days previous to the first day of shooting, he’d been enjoying his hobby of eating dirt from neighbour Pauly Shore’s back garden (not a euphemism).

This prompted a serious attack of stomach snakes. Kate Winslet backs this up:

There was one the size of a facking eel mate. Come down his leg in the dancing scene and set about a gypsy kid

She then whopped her tits out, even though no one asked her to.

Firefox

If you slightly alter the poster to Firefox, you can completely alter Eastwood’s name