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No, not that thing under your Mother’s bed which resulted in your Father having a bunk up with Jenny-big-tits from the pub, and now having to live back with your Grandparents. No not that one.

(He’s drinking far too much and cries at photographs at night by the way, so you might wanna have a word)

No, I’m talking of the wondrous creations that filled stores and captured our imagination along with our parents’money.  The bastard plastic children (good band name) of Kenner, Mattel, Galoob and a plethora of others.

So here’s a small selection. Also, if you have any these, I’ll probably buy them from you. Yes, even the girls’ stuff. This is the 2020’s, sexual equality, where most females have bats instead of mitts, so YOU CAN’T JUDGE ME FOR BUYING DOLLIES.

MADBALLS

Released in 1985, MADBALLS were originally released by Amtoy ( later being revived by Art Asylum 2007–2008 and Just Play, Inc. 2017–2019). Selling well as a passing fad, they ‘influenced’ a number of very similar releases. Guess which I had more of. Thanks Mom.

Of the official original line up, I had Dusty Dustbrain (bottom left) and Slobulus (second from right, top line). Bonus shout out to Aargh, as his name is Aargh.

Success was good, even if it was short. Although in the original time there were added bigger MADBALLS, MADBALL bodies (above), two direct to video cartoons, home computer games and a comic series.

How much I want them: 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 9 egg plants out of 10.

“I’d probably lick your Gran’s leg plasters for them”.

DINO RIDERS

Growing up in the midst of testosterone filled movies of the 80s, what more could you ask for as an easily influenced, growing lad? Well, a lady slayer of a penis I suppose…. Failing that though, I’d want dinosaurs or guns. What’s this you say? I can have both together? Holy BMX Bandits!

Released by Tyco in 1988, The series focuses on the battle between the heroic Valorians and the evil Rulon Alliance on prehistoric Earth. The Valorians were a superhuman race, while the Rulons comprised several breeds of humanoids (ants, crocodiles, snakes, and sharks etc). Both races came from the future but were transported back in time to the age of dinosaurs (hate it when that happens. That’s why I’m no longer allowed to ‘fix’ the microwave). Once on Earth, the Valorians befriended dinosaurs, while the Rulons brainwashed them. Rulon bastards.

You could go for the flagships and have such awesomeness as this. I mean…wow. even now that stirs something inside of me.

I got this one:

Shit.

How much I want them: 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 9/10 eggplants

“I’d punch a baby clean out”

RAINBOW BRITE

See, it’s not all for the boys. Created by Hallmark in 1984, Rainbow Brite hit screens and toy stores on lease via Mattel. A theatrical feature-length film, Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, was released by Warner Bros in 1985.

I’m not the target audience here, so I think they look those kids that strangle cats and shit. The dead, lifeless eyes of a shark. I’m not quite sure what the Sprites are, but I wouldn’t want to meet a 6 foot tall one.

In 1996 Rainbow Brite had somewhat of a resurgence due to a reimagining of the brand. Dolls came with glowing paint, legs like your poorly Gran, and even more chance of murdering you in your sleep.

How much I want them: 0/10

“I know there’s market for it, but there’s also people that pay to watch people take a shit”

POWER LORDS

Now HERE is a forgotten gem. Released by Revell in 1983, Power Lords are all but forgotten. The story for the toy line follows the life of Adam Power, a human who is given a special “Power Jewel” that allows him to protect the galaxy from bad guys like the evil Arkus.  While Adam battles Arkus from his fortress, called Volcan Rock, Arkus is equally bent on stealing the Power Jewel from Adam and taking over Volcan Rock on is quest to conquer the galaxy.

As ya do.

The figures all had a gimmick of sorts. Adam had a button to spin him round into power mode. Arkus could make his wings flap, Shaya could go to the shop and get beer, Sydot could recite the entire Choose Life skit from Trainspotting.

Big chunky figures you could really bash your siblings into submission with. Alas I am an only child, so I used to wield one maniacally in front of a mirror. There was a later reboot to the figures, where they still looked the mutts nuts, but, still couldn’t hold a flame to the…

…POWER LORD BEAST MACHINES! They released even BIGGER versions. Fuck my life, the 80s was good.

How much I want them: 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 11 purple dick plants out of 10

“I’d do both your parents, with constant eye contact. Yes, I know they died in that accident. Get a shovel”.

Keypers

Keypers were produced by Tonka from 1985 to 1992. They were large, hard plastic bodied adults and small softer plastic bodied babies. The adult Keypers had a key (with their name on) which locked and unlocked a door somewhere about their body, and the baby Keypers had a slit in their backs where you could store things, like drugs or the souls of the fallen.  Along with the plastic toys there were large plush adult Keypers, books, games etc

I always wanted to lock a wasp in my mate’s sister’s snail one. Even in my youth I was a prick. I did once put She-Ra’s head in there. This was a clear decade before Se7en. I want my royalties damn it.

How much I want them: 🍆🍆 🍆 3 out of 10 purple love fruits

“My first plastic slug? I’d rather have had Syphilis on toast”

A Stick

It’s a gun, it’s a wand, it’s a sword, it’s a bow…

Sticks are great aren’t they.

I wish I was a stick.