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You may have read my recent post on why dolphins are total ass hats. Turns out the animal world is full of them. I fell down a rabbit hole whilst researching for that and now I don’t ever want to go to the zoo again. So I’m gonna make sure you don’t either.

Otter bastards

Awwww, Cute ain’t they. The females actually are a good old bunch to be fair. Furry, cute and you just wanna squish them till their chestnut marble eyes pop out. The males though…

The males are rapey maniacs. Full on fiends with whiskers. Otters are known to hold female’s heads under the water as they rock their lil world. Now lady otters are used to this (although there’s still roughly a 10% fatality rate), and take a deep breath before they get the lot caved in. You know who aren’t ready? Seal pups. You know how equally cute those wee tykes are? Yeah well otters fuck the shit out them as they drown them. Like an inter-species snuff movie. Otters are even known to go back to the corpse over a few days and fill it up like an otter spunk water balloon.

These furry nightmares are also big into the hostage game. A general otter needs to eat around 25% of its body weight per day to survive. If food comes into short supply, it’s not unknown for a Mother’s pups to be taken and held until the mother pays a food ransom. Otter, otter bastards.

Adélie Penguin bastards

You’ve seen Mr Poppers Peguins and March Of The Penguins right? Cute little birdies right?

No. No they’re not.

Naturalist George Levick ventured to the South Pole with the 1910-1913 Scott Antarctic Expedition. His report on the sexual behaviors of these penguins was deemed too extreme for publication and was hidden for one hundred years. 100 years! Douglas Russel .who analyzed his work in 2012 said, “The pamphlet, declined for publication with the official Scott expedition reports, commented on the frequency of sexual activity, auto-erotic behavior, and seemingly aberrant behavior of young unpaired males and females, including necrophilia, sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks and homosexual behavior.”

Ain’t no party like a penguin party

Sea Cucumber bastards

Bet you didn’t expect a cucumber. That’s not the first time I’ve said that. Being fair, she was blind and I didn’t want to disappoint. Anyway, I digress. Sea Cucumbers don’t rape anything, which is a first on this list. Yet, they’re still proper filth.

To put it simply, they all eat shit.

They live on other animals waste scavenged from the sea bed. Who doesn’t want a soggy shite sandwich for tea?

To make it even more minging, it has a very specific defence mechanism. It can blow it’s internal organs out its ass at predators. Let that sink in. If in doubt throw a gut full of kidney and giblets (wtf is giblets?) at your attacker. These organs even grow back. Need one in the X Men.

Duck bastards

As it turns out ducks get bored. Ducks might be able to fly (which is obviously cool af), but apparently that’s where the fun ends.

So what do you do if you’re a duck in a slump?

That’s right, you take a trundle down the bank to see your duck mates. Let’s call them…Dave and Karen. They’re all “Come on in Steve, long time no see, how’s tricks?”. Obviously your name is Steve Duck. You reply to their warm hospitality by swiftly smashing open the egg of one of their young, dragging out the fully formed youngling from within, and swallowing it whole. As Karen screams in unbridled terror, you fuck up Dave with a swing of your sharp beak. Then descend upon a helpless, wailing Karen Duck, as she cowers in the corner of the reeds.

🎵No little ducks came back🎵

Beaver bastards

“So…who likes a bit of beaver?”

Yeah. Anyway. The surprise here is that beavers aren’t even bad really. They don’t even forcefully violate their own (or any other species)…Well to my knowledge. So, why are they here? As we’ve all been eating beaver ass for years.

Cornetto makers don’t tend to put ‘beaver yellow ass juice’ on ingredients lists, as apparently its a bit off putting. So it’s labelled as “Castoreum”

Castoreum is the yellowish secretion of a beaver’s castor sac, which is basically the bladder they use to mark their territory. It’s full of anal liquids and urine, all mixed together, and it’s been used for years to bring out the flavor in vanilla ice cream, add a musky aftertaste to cigarettes, and add a fruity note to perfumes. Mmm bet you’re fucking starving now.

Wanna know what it’s in?

• alcoholic beverages
• baked goods
• frozen dairy
• chewing gum
• candy
• beverages
• meat products
• pudding
• gelatin
• ice cream
• vanilla flavoring
• raspberry flavored food

So pretty much all the good stuff. So you may as well just go grab a beaver, lift it up, and tongue probe it. You may as well. Get the full on unwatered down beaver.

Uncut beaver.

Bonus Shit

Enjoy your dinner.