When Sharks Are Crap

We’ve all seen Jaws (if not, why not?!), which is the daddy of all shark movies. The tension, the iconic soundtrack, the characters, all of this sums it up to being the regaled classic that it is.

“Nom”

Not all shark movies are created equally. Even Jaws has some suspect sequels.

Yup. Roaring shark. Great idea. Dickheads.

Even a lion roaring Great White pales in comparison to some of these god awful ideas.

Sand Sharks

‘On sand, no one can hear you…sand”

This is probably the least stupid sounding film on this list. Let that sink in for a moment. I’ve seen this and survived to tell the tale.

A whopping 2.6.

The best review I found was this from phantasma:

Avalanche Sharks

Slightly more plausible than Sand Sharks? No.

What’s it about then? I can honestly say I’ve not seen this one. I have no intention of watching it either. I would rather lick a scabby stump.

2.3, making Sand Sharks look like the fucking Godfather

I was looking for reviews about how awful it was, but instead I was reminded why I dislike fellow humans.

Awww…gutted for ya. PM me hun.

Quija Shark

I think the image may be Photoshopped.

Not seen this one either. I will though. I mean, how does this all work? I’ve not been this confused since I drank absinthe and woke up in a field covered in frost.

1.7. Which is ironically exactly how many litres of vodka I’ll drink before watching it.

I’m not sure which review to run with here. Do I believe horwellwill?

Or rely on television221b?

I’ll let you know.

Sharkenstein

They should really be dressed warmer for surfing in that weather.

Sharkenstein is more of an experience than a movie. An experience like soiling yourself on public transport. A real smelly soiling too. Like a dead badger.

I’d like to say reviews are mixed. They technically ARE I guess, but mostly because llamapiano seems to not understand how reviewing works.

“Ha ha, very reviewing”

You’ve never seen the Emmerdale plane crash mate.

Now that’s the sort of review I understand.

House Shark

Oh just fuck off.

https://youtu.be/S1FUQ2JOs5Q

This is the film that inspired this list. I have a very high tolerance to trash movies, yet, this one broke my resolve. It made me want eat my own eyes.

4.7? I’m honestly aghast

The IMDB rating for this is obviously a fix. The one positive thing I can say about it is that it KNOWS what it is. Being fair though, so did Fred West.

With that name, I’m gonna trust this reviewer. Unless there’s a _119. As obviously he would be an updated model

I couldn’t make through this specimen. I sometimes think of it, and cry.

2 Headed Shark Attack

When an art package adds ‘mirror’ to the free tools.

I THINK I can guess what this is about. A period drama set in the prohibition era 1920s. A star crossed love story between a police officer and a waitress in a Sleep Easy.

Either that or it’s a big fucking 2 headed Shark

Yeah. It’s a big fucking 2 headed shark.

Even the boast of the acting talents (snigger) of Carmen Electra can’t raise this above a 2.5 rating.

Chinkyfunbags is what I will call my second born

To be honest, after House Shark, Avalanche Sharks etc, a 2 headed shark doesn’t seem THAT spectacular. Maybe if it was a…

3 Headed Shark Attack

Ohhhhhh Danny Trejo!!

“More heads, more dears”. How can you argue with a tag line like that? PLUS it’s got ex WWE wrestler Rob Van Dam. You probably know his more famous brother, Steven Segal.

I really wish the rating was 3.0

Apparently a famous porn actress gets eaten in the opening scenes. Your response to that should tell you if you want to watch it or not.

Yeah. I too found this important and cautionary

I’m sensing a bit of bullshit there. Almost like it could be someone associated with the project. But…you wouldn’t do something as unethical as that surely?

Anyway, I’m still not impressed by even 3 heads. I’d only be interested if there was a…

6 Headed Shark Attack