Doginawaistcoat.com

Can I just start off by saying I actually personally hate jellyfish more than dolphins. No one likes jellyfish though (possibly as they look like painful phlegm), so it’s a pointless talking point.

Dolphins though, people love dolphins.

Dolphins grace ornaments, posters, glittery stickers etc and are all round in the top ten of most young girls favourite animals. Also some adults too, but mainly those lank haired folks that wear sandals all year and name their offspring ‘Moonbeam’ and shit.

What if I told you that dolphins were actually the Devil’s semen and would violate you without a second thought?

I recently discussed the sinister nature of these beasts to someone that thought I was pulling their leg. If only I was. If I’m attacked by a shark, I know it wants to eat me we both know where we stand. Dolphins though…they wanna bum you. I’m not having my corpse found full of dolphunk.

There’s a LOT of evidence for this too. I’m honestly not making it up.

Want some quotes? Of course you do. This is the internet.

“Gangs of male dolphins may isolate a female, slap her around with their tails, and forcibly copulate with her for weeks,” as noted by Straight Dope’s Cecil Adams.

Dolphin specialist Justin Gregg disputes that this counts as rape, but even he notes some horrific elements of coercion in dolphin sexuality: “Dolphins might use other tactics to persuade a female to mate with them, including committing infanticide (ie, killing calves) so that the females will come into estrus and be more receptive.”. Justin Gregg may have had a bad childhood.

So, if you happen to be a single mother and you stumble across a group of horny looking dolphiends (see what I did there) then you might wanna pray to Poseidon and swim like your unbattered blow hole depends on it.

But wait, that’s only what they do to their own kind. Porpoises live in fear.

Dolphins murder baby porpoises. Why? Because they fucking love it.

Now let’s get this straight. Porpoises aren’t food for dolphins. Hell, they’re not even competition for the same key resources. Porpoises are just bitches to their grey overlords.

Now remember dolphins are smart too. Like reeeeeal smart.

These arseholes are so smart that they use their ultrasonic sonic super powers to home in on the young porpoises vital organs. Just so they know that each time they strike, the most possible damage will be attained.

Fiendish.

Although there’s no certain way of preventing yourself from being dolphucked, I find living 100 miles from the sea helps. That or I’m putting a cucumber in its blow hole and watching it’s bottle nose explode.