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From the off, I’m going to tell you that I’ve always been rubbish at the works of Messiahs Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone. Yet, the worlds became my playground. It cost nothing (from the library. In fact I think I still owe them two books) to wake up in a world full of monsters, traps and traders that never let on which item your were supposed to pick. Vague gits. Look at this wizard below.

Might be a double hard Wizard, but I bet he’s proper shady if you ask if you should take a silver flute or an empty sack. I now realise reading that back, both of those sound like double entendre, oh well, I’m leaving it in anyway.

The idea for this article came when I saw my son bring home this:

Before any purists start, yes I know its a re release, He’s 11, cut him some slack. Off the back of this, I started speaking to a good friend of mine about these books very recently and they had no idea what I was talking about. This doesn’t surprise me that much as I was a geeky ready kinda kid (I have friends now, I didn’t make that up). Yet I still think in this world of computers and throwaway entertainment, these books, that made your fingers wedged in three places in the book become respawn points, (don’t lie, we all know we did it.) STILL have a place. Hence, shortly I’m going to run you through a few I have to see if they jog your memory.

Quickly for the uninitiated, You start with a ‘backpack’ sorts in the front of the book. It looks like this:

You’ll start with Stamina, Skill and Luck points (the books tell you how), Then as you fight monsters, you’ll lose stamina. If you find potions etc they’ll add to your points. Your stats constantly move with the adventure. If your stamina hits zero, you’re dead. This happens. A lot.

The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain

The first book I ever tried and failed miserably at. The closest I ever got to finishing one. The Blurb states:

“The powerful warlock Zagor must be slain – but first you’ll need to make it through the caverns of his mountain stronghold. Many adventurers before you have taken a wrong turn in the maze and perished at the hands and claws of the Warlock’s gruesome servants.”

I am one of those previous adventurers now. I have corpses all over that darn mountain. I finally got to Zagor and he looks like this.

Piece of cake I thought.

He was not a piece of cake. I did finally beat him though. “Bosha!” I thought, as this is words I think and rarely say out loud. Alas, after beating him I needed 3 keys to put together to give me the page of my victory. I did not have 3.

My adventure was over….

Forest Of Doom

I found this one extremely tough. I think I may have died twice before opening the cover.

You’re a wandering adventurer looking for things to do as there’s no wifi and the nearest tavern doesn’t serve anything but warm sludge. I don’t care what my stats say, I’m not drinking warm sludge. A Dwarf by the name of BigLeg (honest) busts through the undergrowth and dies. Before he takes his final breath, he rambles about needing a special hammer that’s in Darkwood Forest. Without it his town of Stonebridge will fall to trolls.

So off i go, wielding a sense of bravery and a pencil ready to cheat with. Remember I earlier mentioned about folk being vague as to what you need? Straight away I’m at a tower, being bombarded with a huge list of items such as:

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I NEED YET!

I notice there’s no AK47 rifle. Surely that would be a boon to any intrepid forest adventurer. Also weedkiller and a mosquito net please.

On my travels I met this Centaur with a Kurt Russell head and lump problem.

Also Bandits that made me question my sexuality

If that’s a dude, I’m gonna be blaming the warm sludge in the morning.

Before finally giving up on life and my ‘finger bookmarks’ by the combination of gremlins and a low ceiling. Also possibly a fatal STD from the Bandit leader

My adventure was over…

Last one for now

Deathtrap Dungeon

I remember having to wait for this to come back in the library as someone else must have borrowed it and moved house, just like I di…actually, nevermind that.

The blurb: Down in the dark twisting labyrinth of Fang, unknown horrors await you! Countless adventurers before you have taken up the challenge of the Trial of Champions, but not one has survived. Devised by the devilish mind of Baron Sukumvit, the labyrinth is riddled with fiendish traps and hideous creatures of darkness to trick and test you almost beyond the limits of endurance!

Trials? Traps? Monsters? Sounds tough. Might just go to the pub. NO! There’s an adventure here that pays up to 10,000gp. That’s probably about a fiver. Every adventurer that has attempted this dungeon test has perished, so obviously the odds that i’m going to skim the book across the room are good. Into the dungeon we head.

There’s a lot going on there. None of it good. Especially the fella in the bottom right hand corner. I just don’t like his head.

After quickly being taught that Giant Flies are pretty much horrible buggers, Stone Idols generally are flanked by animated stuffed birds and that nutty old men like to live in creature filled dungeons to create simple riddles, I was greeted by this:

Hmmmmm. What to do.

So he has a tattered old parchment, that’s a good thing, but…he also has a sword and no genitalia for me to pierce as a low blow whilst doing my battle cry. I don’t actually have a battle cry. If I did, It’d still probably be “Bosha”. So I reach for the interesting looking parchment….

To cut a long story short, it came to life and kicked my head in, so I never got read the stupid paper. Skimmed the book across the room and went to the pub.

My adventure was….just beginning.