Kid Shows To Cry To

Life’s not all Tellitubbies and Wizadora. Remember that time Bagpuss got smashed, knocked fuck out Professor Yaffle and pissed all over the Mouse Organ?

When Bagpuss went to sleep, everyone went to sleep. Bagpuss was a bit ‘rapey’.

Actually I made that up. Nevertheless, there’s some rather depressing kids programmes out there that deserve dark recognition. The snowflake generation has got it all rainbows and sunbeams. Us longer in the tooth buggers had it much harder on the child heartstrings.

ALF (1986 – 1990)

Forgot his name.

Ahhhh ALF, the humourous (and strangely Jewish) Alien from the planet Melmac. ALF can’t fly for shit and crashes his ship into the garage of a ‘white picket fence’ family in suburban ‘Merica. Obviously they take him in and listen to his quips upon the nonsense of mankind.

Strippergram bukkake parties were less frequent in the lockdown.

For 4 years ALF kept people entertained with his cat eating antics (honestly), until he gets word from his own kind that they’re popping back down to pick him up. Happy days! Alas it is not. The government Alien Task Force has intercepted the message and stage an ambush. ALF is captured and taken away, most likely to be the product of vigorous scientific testing, and finally dissection.

Watch the clip below (uploaded by alffan99)

Dinosaurs (1991 – 1994)

Not the fucking Momma. Yes we get it.

This show follows the life of a family of dinosaurs, living in a modern world. They have televisions, refrigerators, et cetera. Never see em have a shit though. This bugged me.

Christ, it’s off again

A staple Saturday afternoon viewing in the UK for 4 years. That was until they got a tad cold. It’s actually quite depressing to watch. As a news reporter informs that it’s going to get colder, the family look out the window, assuring each other they’re going to be ok. They will not be ok. Think Threads for kids. “Good night. Goodbye”.

Watch it below (uploaded by TreyJStrattonTV)

Rugrats (1990 – 2006)

Not the momm….no, nevermind.

Rugrats was a little bit of joy wasn’t it. How can you not love a baby with a screwdriver? Better than a child with a blade (see Pet Semetary 1989 for details).

Change ya clothes. Scruffs

How could Tommy and co possibly ever make you feel down? Well, let me go and fucking spoil it for ya. Notice how you never see Chucky’s mother? Wanna know why? She was a heroin addict. I jest. She’s dead. She apparently died a while before we see the casts shenanigans on screen. In the episode ‘Mother’s Day’, it’s broken to Chucky. Doesn’t seem to mess him up though. Doesn’t stab another toddler or anything.

Watch the clip below (uploaded by #NickRewind)

The World Of David the Gnome (1985)

David’s missus’ glory hole was the talk of the garden

While most of us were watching good shit, there was always one fanny watching David the Gnome. Probably that kid who’s parents wouldn’t let them watch RoboCop, or even Moonwalker (before all the nonce stuff was thrown about).

Bloody foreigners. Coming over here and taking our trees.

David and his clan had good old fashioned clean fun. No guns, no swords, no real action. Yeah, it was shite. Yet this Spanish cartoon did hold a trick card up its sleeve for the finale. David and his wife are both 399 and Gnomes apparently only live to 400. So although they feel ok, they just bloody die. Some other beardy fella joins in too, just to make the numbers up.