Things Wish thinks I need in my life. Part 2

If you read the first part, then you know how this works. Wish advertises things on my Facebook, that it thinks I might like to wait 3 years to be delivered. I click these things as I’m a nosey prick

Weed Factory

The NASA budget took a hit from poor Gravity DVD sales

I’d love to say I’d go all Breaking Bad with this shit, but it’s a lie. I’d sleep in it. Look how comfortable that could be with a pillow and a Star Wars quilt set.

Mmm stifling goodness

Just realised the size restrictions. It’s going off my watch list. Shit.

Bad Ass Night Vision

Phwoarrr

Finally Wish have got it right. This looks cracking. Finally you can be a stalker for less than 200 bucks. Sadly it doesn’t come with camouflage and an alibi.

Splattered squirrel is on tonight’s menu.

“Who can see the eyes for a long time?” I’m not sure what means if I’m honest. I DO want to just frolic about in the dark pretending to be Buffalo Bill though. Just what every girl wants: Tall, dark and rapey.

“Training Belt”

Ohhh it’s a fitness thing! As it’s Wish, I expected it to be some sort of penis related thing. Obviously thiugh, there’s even a female on the picture! See I’m now guilty of looking at them condescendingly. I should be ashamed of myself.

Oh. It’s a cock thing.

Big Fuck Off Shoes

How short do you actually need to be?

Unless you’re Bridget the Midget (Google her. Sorrynotsorry) I don’t understand why would would need these? All I see is this:

They’re exactly the same shoes aren’t they? Chance of that. I just searched “Woman in heels falls on ass”.

Applicable Scene: Banquet. Also suitable for every season, including winter. Bambi on ice in these babies.

Steel Gua Sha Plate

Looks like he’s just really shit at suicide

I honestly have no idea wtf is going on here. Your arm is aching, so you rub some metal down it? Doesn’t sound that relaxing does it.

Ok, I get it now. No I don’t, I don’t get it at all. You crease out stagnant blood? I call bull. Also what’s the holes for? Probably a cock thing.

Rubbish Practical Joke

Even the spider looks embarrassed

“Oh No!” “It’s a poxy plastic spider!”. People that buy this are most likely the shit Uncle at a family party. You know the one:

Pretends to know the words to every song.
Never uses a paper plate.
Smells like OXO
Focuses his bad jokes on the most uncomfortable looking, barely legal female there.

“You look hot in all those…clothes. Don’t tell ya Dad”

Not my real Uncle. My real Uncle is black. True story. Anyway, who falls for these rubbish jokes?

Same people that refer to tastes as colours. “Mmm tastes like yellow”

So, it’s official. Andrew’s kids are fucking morons. Natasha has really really low standards. Nigel probably has beige wallpaper and lives with his Nan. Nigel is 49. Nigel is probably a shit Uncle.

Can’t Bring Myself To Type It

Steve was starting to find Danielle’s Zoom lolly kink a bit tiresome

Best. Product Name. Ever. I don’t know where to start. I mean, it’s hideous. Although, I DO have a scrotum moisture problem. All us guys do. That was a lie. If my scrotum is wet, I’ve probably pissed myself.

One legged children’s entertainer trousers

Just TOO sexy aren’t they. Imagine revealing that abomination on a first date. Unless she’s blind, she’s going home.

What?

I didn’t add the red text. I swear it was already there. So yeah, come on fellas. Get sexy.

Fire Sticks Of Death

Are you bored of your face that much?

There’s no way I’m not gonna pretend that’s not a lightsaber. There’s no way I’m going to have any eyebrows.

I’m trying to think of something to say about it, buy I’m actually just trying to stop myself buying it. I don’t know what I want to do with it, but who cares? I would be the keeper of the sacred flame

Dick Container

Only C3P0 knew where R2’s on switch was.

Saw this and thought “Ohhhh that’s not that bad actually”. Not that I’d wear it of course. I’m not a horny android. Looks like a 3D printed plug hole.

Woahhhh back up. Where’s that bit going? Oh I don’t think so. I’ll just get kidney stones and cut out the middleman. Also, that lock is the opposite to “stealthy”. It’s the equivalent of a bright yellow ninja.

Phone Of The Sith

ULTIMATE POWEEERRR

If this worked as it looks in the picture, there’s no way me and my group of mates would all have one to knock the fuck out each other with. Why would you not want to feel like Emperor Palatine?

Give in to your hatred

Who has the device in the picture? Has he used it to stun her into a fumble, or is she fending him off with it? Do they just have one each? Whichever way, I still want one. Just to feel like Thor. Also, if there’s one of those annoying screamy kids in the supermarket, I’m gonna give it a sly blast to see if I can blast it over the chocolate aisle.