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Wish has been knocking about, pedaling it’s unbranded Chinese factory seconds for a while now. I myself bought a pair of Bluetooth earphones from there, which worked once and never again (I used to have a friend like that).

Here’s a list of random tat that Wish advertised on Facebook as ‘recommended for you’. I haven’t cropped the pictures so you can see it’s an actual screenshot.

Head Hoover

So, yeah…it’s a head hoover. “Snuffer tooter gift”. What on Earth would someone use this for I hear you ask.

Ok so it’s obviously drug related. Yet on the upside you could send it as “a gift to your friends it is the best choose !”

Man Skirt

Have you ever felt just TOO manly? Being fair guys, imagine this in the summertime, when you have bollocks like boiled potatoes.

Ahhh you’ve put my mind at rest now I know they’re “higth quality”. Send me all the man skirts!

Foul Rubber Socks

Hot selling? I do honestly doubt it. What am I actually supposed to do with these, apart from sweat? Oh, I noticed the word “sexy”. Oh yeah, of course, silly me. Phwoarrr.

I got bored of reading as they’re fucking vile

Bamboo Fiber Menstrual Pants

I’m guessing their algorithms are slightly off, unless they know something about me that I don’t. Being fair, I’m loving the front pocket. Could keep a can in it.

Oh the pocket is to put warm stuff in to comfort your uterus. I’m on the same page now. So I’m guessing we’re all thinking the same thing? Of course we are. Microwave Micro Chips.

Mad Sex Bust Thing

Shit just got real. Yup. That’s a sex thing that is. It obviously is for the man that finds nothing more erotic than a woman with no upper body. All the sexing with none of the nagging.

I didn’t click the ad for this one as I really didn’t want Wish to think “Oh he’s loving that, let’s show him more rapey serial killer shit”.

Clothes Hanging Snake-Looking Thing

£7.00? Fuck off.

I didn’t realise this was a huge problem. I really didn’t think that… WAIT! THERE’S A FUCKING KID HIDING THERE!

WTF. The fabled Chinese too many clothes ghost. Hang that polo neck up guys, otherwise she comes at 3am and teddy bears you to death.

Manky Toe Robot

That’s the thing about Wish, it’s random as hell.

Wear loose shoes? How loose do the have to be? I’m a size 9 right, I’m gonna need to wear at least a size 11 to accommodate RtoeDtoe.

Look Like A Fox Kit

Ever wanted to be chased by posh folk on horses? Yes? This is the kit for you then, you fucking freak.

Luckily the headband is optional as it’s “up to you choice”. That’s lucky as I didn’t want to look stupid as I frolic about the garden in my Basil Brush gear.

False Advertising Snake

I don’t see the point in this. I understand the advertisement of the groin area of course, but what if you then had to back up that pork broadsword. Imagine the embarrassment when it turns out you’re packing a pen knife.

Improve your confidence? Imagine going swimming and it falls out. “Paul’s dick has fallen off! Hur Hur Hur”. So you cry in the showers and then have to infiltrate a frat party and slaughter them all in increasingly elaborate ways! Sorry, too many horror movies. #notsorry

Portable Piss Bag

I can get behind this one. In a queue for the bar and have an urge? No problem mate. Gone to the cinema after the pub and behaving like a broken tap? Got ya covered.

See for guys it’s gonna be easy. Women on the other hand…well, it’ll probably go all over the other hand. Then you have pissy hand. No one wants pissy hand.