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I’m never surprised at the amount of tat that arrives on TV. Shows such as ‘Dating in the Dark’ and ‘Naked Jungle’ are evidence that there’s no fucking way that a bottle of JD wasn’t involved during the thought process.

If those stains on humankind can get greenlit, why can’t any other these?

Where’s Your Fucking Toaster Mate?

Pat Sharp sneaks into a Z list celebrities’ house, finds their toaster, then hides it in a place of his own discretion in a forest.

If the ‘celebrity’ finds the toaster, then Pat Sharp will gift them another toaster, of similar or lesser value. If the toaster is not found, it joins it’s kin in Pat’s basement toaster collection.

Boozing With Blessed

Brian Blessed takes you to a pub of his choosing. Somewhere nice, that still has Tenant ashtrays and Hagar The Horrible beermats. You will then get shit faced with Brian, but only drinking beers of his choosing.

The rules are simple:

• If you pass out first, Brian wins
• If Brian laughs and makes you cry, Brian wins
• If Brian insists you give him your family, Brian wins
• If Brian puts his deformed foot on the table and you retch, Brian wins

If Brian wins, you pay for all the drinks AND he is allowed to call you for a chat as much as he likes for a period of no less than one Earth month. If you win, Brian pays and you get to shave his beard off.

No one ever wins.

Cockle Mon Giant Killer

Burt has a secret. It’s that secret that it’s a secret secret. By night he travels the Public Houses of the West Midlands, keeping the ye olde tradition of his trade alive. Yet by day, after he’s picked up his medication (from the little Boots, not the big one in town as that’s always packed), Burt undergoes a fantastic transformation.

Burt becomes the saviour of Giant Isle! The inbred residents of Giant Isle have like, 15 toes and shit so they’re pretty much fucking useless, apart from catching shellfish and the like.

Follow the mutualistic symbiotic relationship between Bert and his friends in this year’s Game of Thrones rip off, COCKLE MON GIANT KILLER!

Death Brother

Very simple concept this one. If these needy, fame hungry worms want their shot at stardom, let’s make it interesting. Once a week both the public and housemates vote on each other as usual. The unfortunate loser is subject for public execution (Channel 5, Fridays, 10pm…hosted by Donna Air)

The body is then ground into a paste and sold as part of Davina McCall’s new weight loss products.

FLIPPER 2020

In this reworking of the childhood favourite, Flipper has moved to the beaches of Miami. A drug dealing cartel has been dumping bodies in Flipper’s waters. He’s now one pissed off porpoise bastard.

Being out of water is obviously not beneficial to Flip though. Think Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon with less 80s hair. Will Flipper defeat the evil drug barons and let peace return to Miami, or will he lose himself in the process when he hears about Captain Birdseye? There’s only one way to find out.

Disclaimer: Preacher wrote none of this article.