The World’s Most Rubbish Toys

Anyone that knows me knows I have an odd penchant for knock off toys that possibly contain lead and/or small pox.

So so close, yet so so far.

As I have an abundance of spare time and a childish sense of humour, I’ve dug up these little beauties for you to shake your collective heads at.

Winnie the Pooh seems to be a huge favourite in the child poisoning plastic weapons department

Winnie the Chew

Fucks that?

After 12 Special Brew, Pooh called Tigger a racial slur, then pulled out his Aryton Senna impression.

I’m not sure if that’s a title or an instruction. Is it odd that it most offends me that it’s actually a car and not a motorcycle? I should probably look at my priorities in life.

Pooh later returned with a side car full of sausage and bacon. Piglet should never of called Christopher a “poof”.

Pooh and his little Hundred Acre Wood “Frieunds”, Poglet and Togger. Not shown on packaging, the medical Donkey, Neenaw and local pimp, Clitstopher Throbbin.

River Monsters Channel 4 8pm. In tonight’s show, fish fingerer Jeremy Wade, gets fucking served

The Chinese really know how to sell a toy.
Chinese Dave: “Kids LOVE dolphins. Yet they also like killing machines….hmmmm. Guys, guys! I’ve got it! ROBOT DOLPHIN TRANSFORMER!”
Chinese Steve: “That’s a shit idea Dave”
Chinese Dave: “Err…it has an assault rifle”
*Rapturous applause and crowd surfing ensues*

Spitting Images’ parody of Chris Brown was 50% spot on.

Yeah, it’s Mr T isn’t it. His eyes say ‘get over here girl, I gonna make ya soggy’. Yet his hands say ‘I PUNCH YOUR SOUL OUT FOOL!’

Goofy’s orgy gear was so hot that Mickey momentarily stopped rimming Donald, in wonder.

Remember that time ‘Goofe’ was a superstar wrestler? Me neither. I still want it though.

Following the failings of Terminator Dark Fate, subsequent sequels were straight to DVD.

I ready want this. It’s so shit that I need to see it every day. It’s like Metal Mickey and Dusty Bin got smashed over the park and got out of hand in the bushes behind the pylon.

Never search that term on the dark web.

You know it contains 2600 games, all of which are Tetris clones. Turn it on, wait for it to smoke, lob it over the back fence and wait for it to blow up next doors dog.

There’s nothing I can say that you can’t see.

Christmas
1994
You spot the oblong box under the tree, yet you leave it till last. Your excitement builds to a near dangerous level. If you were over 13, the insides of your pj bottoms would be wringing wet of accidental joy (that you would later pass off as spilt milk).
Finally the moment arrives. You feverishly strip off the coloured paper to reveal your very own Sony Playstation.
It’s the moment you realise you’re adopted.

Desperate Dan decided he was having ALL the fucking pies.

For a mere $2 dollars, you could own your own see through plastic Gears knock off. You just KNOW that head is gonna come off to reveal a spike drenched in the sadness of child factory workers.

C is for virus

I have a workmate that I’m sure had this as a child. Being fair he may have a disability of some sort, and I should respect that. I think he’s just “fick” though. I’d try and help him, but a zera can’t change it’s stripes.

Herbie Gets Buff asf

It’s brilliant isn’t it. No idea why it exists, but it does, and we have to acknowledge it’s a ‘thing’ now. In a world where John Cena is getting movie roles, why can’t a car with arms? ArmCar. That’s what it’s called now. I can’t read Chinese, so it’s sticking. Let’s get ArmCar the fame he/her deserves.

Robogod. See what I did there? Yeah I know it’s shit. DON’T YOU FUCKING JUDGE ME!

Sent back through time to piss off fundamentalist nut jobs. Has 10 phrases, sadly they’re all in ancient Arabic. Comes with bouquet of flowers and threat of locusts.